Hiding

Can’t believe another year is almost over! Where does the time go? Old people often talk about time seeming to pass quicker the older you get – am I getting old?

Today I realised that though the year is almost over I barely know most of the team. I’m surrounded by an amazing bunch of people who I love dearly but who are still relative strangers to me. Why do I do that? Why do I wait so long to open up to people? There’s been times this year I’ve found real tough but I kept it all inside instead of leaning on these people that God has given me for support. Isn’t it funny how we all wear masks – trying to hide who we really are for fear of how others will respond. Fear of rejection is such a big barrier to building real strong friendships – it sucks!!! Often there’s a big gap between who we think we are and how other people see us. For instance, I’ve noticed recently that most people seem to think I’m not a very affectionate person. When it comes to handing out hugs I often get missed cos people think I’m just not like that. Truth is, I’m just scared to initiate affection but actually I love it.

Humans are funny old creatures. I sometimes feel like life’s a bit of a game of trying to figure each other out – a game which I suck at!! I’m sick of hiding and I’m sick of playing games. I wanna be real with people. I want to show them who I really am, warts and all, so I can have real friendships! So, how do I change? Father God, please lift me out of this rut I appear to be stuck in!