So far so good

We've survived the first week without killing the kid - hooray! What a week it's been - full of challenges/cute bits/funny bits.  I thought I'd share some highlights with you all while I have chance.

There's been a lot to get used to for all of us - lack of sleep, learning to breastfeed, learning to eat one handed at the same time as breastfeeding, getting to know each other.  It's been tough, I'm not gonna lie. In fact when people say they really miss this newborn stage I think they are either lying or have totally forgotten what it was really like. Don't get me wrong, I love our little man, but it is tough.  The other day I realised I breastfeed at least 8 times a day for about an hour a time. That's equivalent to the number of hours I used to spend at work each day - except with breastfeeding I don't get weekends off! No wonder so many people give up on breastfeeding.

Though the rough days are a nightmare it's all worth it for the good days. Like last night I went to bed early and got a couple of hours sleep before Josiah's 11:30pm feed. He fed really easily with no fuss, settled down and slept after each feed and even went 3 hours in a row without waking up at one point. And this morning after his 6:30am feed I felt alive enough to actually get out of bed after instead of falling back asleep. While Josiah slept off breakfast I did laundry, tidied the kitchen, had a bath and ate breakfast. We then all curled up in bed for a bit of family time and just hung out and listened to music. I found it so nice spending some time with Josiah doing something other than just feeding him!!

Time with Josiah has taught me a few things about us and God too. I was thinking the other day about how funny it is that Josiah is totally happy with sitting in a poo filled nappy but as soon as you try to change him then he screams. It got me thinking about the fact that we are often quite content with our messed up human nature and when God tries to 'clean us up' we seem to think it's the worst thing ever and that He's doing something bad to us when really it's for our own good.

I was also thinking about how dependant Josiah is on other people. He can't change his own nappy and we'd never expect him to try - that would be crazy.  One of the unique things about Christianity is the idea of grace. Most religions revolve around the basic premise that there is something wrong with us and/or the world and we need to do something (confession, good deeds, mediation etc) in order to fix the problem and/or make up for our mistakes.  The Bible clearly tells us that actually God does not expect us to fix our own mess.  Instead He shows us grace and asks that we simply put our faith in Jesus and depend on Him to do it for us.

To read more about God's grace check out the book of Galatians

What happened before the beginning?

A friend of mine went through a phase of preaching about Genesis a lot - to the point that we would tease him that 'it all begins in Genesis'.  One big focus he had was on God as Creator..."In the beginning God created...." and we are created in God's image so we are made to be creative too.

But if you read Genesis chapter 1 you'll see that God already existed before He created anything.  So what was He doing before He created? Genesis chapter 1 and John chapter 1 together paint a picture of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit all existing in relationship together before the universe began.  So even more fundamentally than being Creator, God is Father. Before He ever created He was already Father.

What implications does this have for us and how we view God and our relationship with Him?

The Bible talks constantly about God's grace and that we are saved by grace not works.  Despite this we still seem to have this idea in the back of our minds that if we do good things that makes us a good person who will be accepted by God and if we do bad things it makes us a bad person ("sinner") who will be rejected by God.  As mentioned in a previous blog post (http://www.smallstace.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/are-you-cursed.html ), this is utter heresy, known as Pelagianism. Or maybe we don't go quite as far as Pelagius - perhaps we accept God's forgiveness as an act of grace, but then from that point on live the rest of our lives as if we owe Him something and are still trying to pay back that debt.

As a soon to be parent, the theme of Father/Son relationships described throughout the Bible has new meaning to me. I am not having this baby because I want anything from him. I'm not expecting him to look after me or do things for me or give me stuff or do anything to earn my love. (In fact I'm expecting to give my life over to doing things for him and get nothing in return!).  Instead, I am having this baby because my husband and I love each other very much and we want to share that love with another and draw someone else into the loving relationship that we have. I will not be keeping a record of his rights and wrongs in order to weigh them up and decide whether to love him.  My reason for loving him will be only based on his identity as my son.

For this same reason we were created. In the beginning God the Father was loving the Son through the power of the Holy Spirit. And the Son, desiring to share the love the Father lavishes on him, chose to lavish love on us. We do not need to earn this love, only to be open to receive it as a free gift!

"God destined us to be his adopted children through Jesus Christ because of his love. This was according to his goodwill and plan  and to honor his glorious grace that he has given to us freely through the Son whom he loves." Ephesians 1:5-6

“If I hurt you, it's not what I wanted” - troy

The saying goes 'Love hurts'. I'm starting to realise how true that is. With love comes pain. It's just how it goes. As soon as I open myself up to care about a friend, relative, partner, whoever, I am opening myself up to pain and disappointment. It may just be a small thing like the disappointment of someone not being there for your show or a friend not calling when they said they would. Or maybe you’ve been unfortunate enough to experience the deeper hurt of betrayal by a friend, a parent leaving you, a partner cheating on you.

I recently experienced a couple of painful incidents - thankfully none of those major ones but it still hurt none the less. One incident was painful because someone upset me. And the other was painful because I upset someone else without meaning to and felt awful that I had caused them pain. At first the pain made me want to withdraw. I figured the easiest way to deal with it would be to just cut that person out of my life so they can't hurt me and I won't ever have to feel the pain of knowing I've upset them again.

But as I was ranting to God about my feelings and telling Him my master plan of how I would avoid future heartache, He made me realise something.The only way to avoid being hurt by people is to avoid people! All people! Everyone. If I cut myself off from every person who ever hurt me or let me down soon there would be no-one left in my life!! We are all imperfect. We try our best to love each other but we get it wrong. The Bible says ‘God is love – who ever lives in love lives in God and God lives in him’. The flip side of that is that when we are disconnected from God, we are disconnected from love – we love in a less than perfect way. And so we hurt each other without meaning to.

To those of you who are close to me, who dare to love me, here are 2 things that are certain in this life that I want to warn you of....
1) You will hurt me
2) I will hurt you

I suck at loving. If effort counted I’d score pretty good but somehow, no matter how hard I try, I get it wrong. I appear to have been born with my foot in my mouth and I appear to have transmission problems when it comes to love. What do I mean when I say that? I mean that when I try to transmit love through my words or actions, somehow it often seems to be received much differently than I intended it. Often what I meant as a blessing is received as a curse!! Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel like the world would be a safer place for others if you had the words ‘I will hurt you’ tattooed on your forehead? Because then people would have different expectations of you. Then they wouldn’t be so surprised when you forget to call or say something stupid and so maybe it wouldn’t hurt them (or at least hurt less). Perhaps then they wouldn’t expect you to just know how to love them right and never make mistakes.

Why do we have such high expectations of each other? I mean, we’re all different. Love isn’t a one size fits all kinda thing. We each require our own special brand of love – some like hugs, some don’t, some need loving words, others need gifts and others couldn’t care less about that stuff as long as you give them your time. For some reason we expect each other to be mind readers and to just know that we need a hug right now or will get offended if you don’t text back. And then we get hurt when it turns out that our friend or partner or parent doesn’t fulfil our unspoken needs!!! It’s utter madness.

Anyway, I digress, back to my poor ability to communicate the love I feel. I do love you but I don’t know how best to show that I love you. And so I make my best guess and often guess wrong. Or sometimes I do know how to show you love but I still manage to make a mess of it anyway. Either way, at times my words or actions cause you to think I don’t care when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. And then you feel pain and for that I’m very sorry.

Please help me to be better at loving you. I’m trying to master the art of telepathy but until I’ve got it down would you please tell me how you need to be loved. What do I need to do or not do, say or not say? And please have patience with me while I’m learning. I’m never gonna get it totally right but I promise to keep trying.

Enough about me...let’s talk about you...

You will hurt me. No matter how hard you try not to, it’s still gonna happen. One day you’ll make a flippant remark, or forget to call, or get drunk and make the biggest mistake of your life. And you won’t mean to hurt me – cos you love me and you’d never ever thinkingly cause me pain. But still, despite your best efforts, it’ll happen. Even if you stay away from me to try to avoid hurting me, you’ll still hurt me cos I’ll feel the pain of your absence and the hole you leave in my life by not being there. You will hurt me!!!

But I’m learning to be ok with that. I accept that it’s gonna happen some times. Not that I’m giving you permission to just hurt me willy nilly you understand!! But good friendships are worth fighting for right? Keeping my friendship with you is more important than preserving myself from ever feeling pain. And besides – God is able to heal even the deepest pain or the most broken of hearts. There is nothing you can do to me that He can’t put right. You can’t protect me from ever feeling pain – much as you want to. Instead, I ask that you’ll keep trying your best to love me and that you’ll trust God to look after me when it goes a little bit wrong.

Perhaps it’s not just me you’re trying to protect from pain. Perhaps you’re also trying to protect yourself from pain – the pain of knowing that your words or actions are the source of my tears. The pain of feeling helpless to be able to fix it. And the pain and guilt of the memory of the other tears you have caused in other lives in years gone by.

Just a small digression on the subject of pain....I’m learning that pain isn’t always a bad thing. I shouldn’t fear it or run from it. Pain isn’t nice but at least it makes me feel alive. And pain gets my attention. It often causes me to sit up and take note and rethink how I’m doing things. It helps to show me where I’m going wrong. Pain also makes me appreciate the good times all the more – it brings contrast. And the most beautiful thing about pain is the way it drives me closer to God and to the people around me. You can be sure that whenever I start to think I’ve got things all sorted and I don’t need anyone else that will be the time pain will come into my life. And I’ll cry out to God or fall into a friends arms sobbing uncontrollably (or both) and we’ll share precious, intimate moments together that we never would have done if it wasn’t for the pain. I wouldn’t miss those moments for anything!!!

And a word about love.....Love isn’t just a mushy feeling that comes and goes. Real love is an action and a choice. When I feel hurt I can choose to run away or I can choose to keep loving you despite the pain. God still acts with love towards me no matter what I do or how much I hurt Him or try to run away. He loves you like that too. And I want to learn to act with love towards you just like He acts with love towards you. So, I may feel hurt or angry towards you sometimes. I may really dislike you some days. But I will always still love you until the day I die....maybe even longer.

In order to keep loving, grace and forgiveness are required. If I can’t show you grace when you’re grumpy or forgive you when I’m hurting then there’s no hope for us. Grace and forgiveness make the world work. Without it we’ll be living in a world full of broken relationships and broken people. Wait....we do live in a world full of broken relationships and broken people. Looks like we need to learn to show more grace, need to learn the art of forgiving.

So, I’ll do you a deal. I’ll show you grace and forgive you when you hurt me. But please will you show me grace when I mess up too? Will you keep forgiving me for the sake of our friendship? Please don’t give up on us. I really hope that you think our friendship is worth fighting for.

I love you