A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

First family holiday

Just got back from a great weekend away in Newquay with our lovely church family at St Andrews. It was so nice to get away for a few days and enjoy good food, time to relax and a break from housework as well as some good Bible teaching. Josiah was totally spoilt for attention - plenty of old ladies cooing over him and people fighting for their turn to have a cuddle.

Before going away I was a little apprehensive as I wondered how Josiah would behave. I could just imagine being stuck in our hotel room all weekend feeding and trying to settle a screaming kid. Thankfully, just a few days before going away, we made a major breakthrough and Josiah learned to settle himself to sleep. It was the one skill we were most keen for him to learn but had no idea how best to help him.

As a new parent there is so much to learn and so many choices to make as to how to look after your child. We have found ourselves turning to google on many occasions to help us answer questions like "how often should a newborn feed?", "how do I settle my screaming child?", "when/how should I get my child into a routine?" and "how do I get my kid to sleep through the night?" The internet was full of advice and theories on different parenting techniques but I found that when I began following what I had read I stopped listening to my own instinct and to my child as well - not good.

Last week I had got to the point where sleep had become more important to me than anything else and as a result I was cutting corners and making some unwise choices. I had got into a bad habit of feeding Josiah to sleep and then having to sit really still for 15 mins or so to make sure he was definately asleep before putting him in his crib as it seemed the only guaranteed method of settling him. Really I was making things worse for myself as it meant I became the only person able to settle him to sleep and that extra burden on top of feeding soon became too much for me. I knew it was a technique that I couldn't keep up for long and that I needed to try new methods.

One day I was so sleep deprived I wanted to cry and reaching breaking point as Josiah wailed continuously. Running out of ideas as to what to try to soothe him I of course turned to google. I soon found myself worn out by information overload from all the different and often conflicting advice. How do I know which methods to use or which advice to listen to?! Among all the websites about Ferber method, attachment parenting and cosleeping I found something that really helped me.  All the other websites I had read focused on telling parents what to do or not do but this one simply explained the reasons behind a childs behaviour and left you to make up your own mind on how to act.  It explained that in order to sleep we need to feel safe. We all wake up at points during the night and our survival instinct tells us to check for danger and if our surroundings are safe and we feel secure we fall asleep again.  So the key thing no matter what method I chose was to make Josiah feel safe and secure so he could sleep. 

I ended up trying a method across between Ferber and Hogg - give Josiah kisses and cuddles before putting him in his crib awake, leave the room for 5 mins and let him cry if needed, go back and gently talk to him and reassure him, stroke his hair, maybe more cuddles and then leave the room for another 5 mins etc etc. I really didn't expect it to work to be honest but it has worked beautifully ever since! And it's not just his sleep that has improved - he generally cries less throughout the day and seems much more secure and relaxed.  I think what it comes down to is that the mixture of reassuring him and leaving him alone a little has taught him:

1. Mummy and Daddy can be trusted and are never far away
2. The world isn't such a scary place really
3. His cries are heard and produce a response
4. He has confidence to try new things or overcome challenges on his own because he knows mummy and daddy are close by

Hooray for sleep!!

We now have a very happy, relaxed, confident and sociable little boy who is a joy to be around (mostly!) And I have learned to stop reading parenting websites and instead create my own methods based on the basic principals of making sure Josiah feels safe and loved while also giving him chance to push his boundaries and try new things.