Divine frustration?

Been going through an interesting phase recently where I'm constantly feeling challenged about my attitudes and motives. I have so many thoughts going round my head I hardly know where to begin to make sense of it all.

I've been thinking about church, about what it is and about what it should be, wondering how much of what we do is following Jesus and how much is following man made tradition and ritual. I've been thinking about what it means to follow Jesus and whether I'm really doing such a good job of it.

As I read about Jesus I see a man who accepted everyone just as they were and didn't judge them, a man who took every opportunity to help the broken, the sick, the poor. I don't see many of these qualities in myself and it makes me feel intensely uncomfortable. I've spent a few months trying to ignore these feelings and drown out that still small voice that's trying to speak to my soul.

At first I tried to find a way to fix these things I see in me and to change these wrong attitudes and actions. But I can't fix it. The answers don't lie with me and deep down I know it. Deep down I know the only way to change and to get to where I so, so deeply hunger to be is to turn to God and surrender to Him and allow Him to change me. But I'm not good at surrender. I like to be in control. And so I've been running from God, trying to avoid having too much time alone to think about stuff cos I know that as soon as I do I'm gonna start thinking about these things again and feeling that ugly uncomfortable feeling that I've been trying to suppress. But I can't spend my whole life running and I can't make this feeling go away.

So, I decided it was time to do something about it over lent. I decided it was time to stop running from God and instead turn around and face Him and admit I'm a mess and allow him to take me apart and put me back together again. It's uncomfortable and every couple of days God gets a little too close and I pull back again, scared to go on. But God is infinately patient and oh so gentle with us all. And when I'm ready to come close again He's there waiting.

I'm still in the early stages of what feels like a bit of a wilderness phase and I know I have so much futher to go. I've barely begun to let God get close but I've finally reached that place where I've come to the end of myself and know that I desperately need Him. I've been feeling in limbo for a while - feeling like it's time to grow up and move on from youth work. But I have no idea what my next step should be. I have a feeling that I need to allow God to transform who I am before He's gonna show me what I need to be doing. Please pray for me!