Josiah's diary - October 26th

Well today started out pretty slow. I kept telling mummy it was time for breakfast and she kept rolling over and falling asleep again. I tell you the service round here is going down hill! She said she was really tired - something to do with waking up every 2 hours last night to feed me. What can I say - I'm a growing boy. And besides, I though mummys were superhuman beings with an endless supply of energy.

We had a lazy morning in our pyjamas and then in the afternoon we all went into town. I decided to take a nap in the pram while mummy and daddy did boring things like food shopping.  Then mummy and daddy decided to go for a cheeky pumpkin spiced latte while I was asleep. Can't believe they were trying to do something fun without me! It's ok though cos I stirred just as they sat down. As soon as I realised where I was I woke up fully and demanded they let me join in. So we hung out together drinking coffee (well milk in my case), dancing to the music and watching strangers hurry by.

Actually, mummy and daddy seem to spend a lot of their time recently hanging out drinking coffee. Yesterday mummy took me to meet up with girls from the student group for coffee and Bible study and the day before daddy did the same thing with the student guys.

The Bible study was actually quite interesting. They were talking about theology. You're probably thinking I'm way too young to be tackling such an intellectual subject but actually they were talking about the fact that theology is for everyone.  People think you have to be really clever to do theology (or any other 'ology' for that matter). But theology just means 'God logic' (theo=god, logos=logic) - thinking about God.  You don't have to be super clever to be able to have thoughts about God. Some guy said that to be human is to be a theologian. Everyone thinks about God - from the atheist who thinks God isn't real, to the Buddhist who thinks God is found within them, to the agnostic who thinks God is probably out there somewhere but has no idea what this God might be like.

So, I am a theologian and so are you! The question is will we be good theologians or bad ones? Will we just let preachers or Bible commentaries or the media tell us what to think about God? Or will we study the Bible for ourselves with an open mind and allow God to reveal Himself to us?

Regaining sanity

Six weeks in and it finally feels like we've found some kind of normality again. Yesterday we got some shopping done, caught up on laundry and tidied the house a little. In the evening, instead of eating dinner one handed in the bedroom while trying to feed a grumpy kid to sleep, I sat at the table and enjoyed a proper unhurried meal with my husband. And after dinner we still had two hours left of our evening to relax and watch some CSI together.

So how did we get to this point? Honestly most of what we've learnt has been by accident. Allow me to share with you a little of our journey:

Step 1: Learning the difference between night and day
This seemed like a good place to start - a pretty foundational lesson. So daytime feeds involve talking and daylight and being surrounded by people. After 6pm feeds are done in the dark, talking is done in a whisper and he only has a nappy change if we hear him poo or he has a wet patch from a leaky nappy. He gets put straight to bed after eating without the usual daytime play first. He seems to have got the hang of it pretty quickly and is more active in the day and mellow at night.

Step 2:Self soothing
In the early days all he did was eat and sleep so I used to feed him to sleep, sit really still for a bit until he reached deep sleep and then put him in his crib asleep. As he got older, more alert and more playful this stopped working. When I put him in bed he would wake, I'd refeed him, wait for him to sleep again, put him down, he would wake again etc etc. To hear how we broke that cycle check out my Previous post.

Once he had the hang of settling himself back to sleep after waking it was time to try putting him in bed still awake. He quickly got the hang of it and now our nights have been transformed. Instead of hours spent awake trying to settle him I just put him in bed straight after feeding and he fidgets, snorts and gurgles until he falls asleep about 10 mins later. Amazing!!

Step 3: Setting a routine
When we went on the church weekend away to Newquay the other week Josiah was an angel child - slept really well at night, had good naps in the day, was a joy to be around when awake and cried very little. When we got home again he was a nightmare for the first few days! So we sat down and tried to work out what we did right on holiday that we were doing so wrong since getting home.  The short answer was routine - on holiday the day had structure as there were activities planned all day but when we got home that structure was gone again.

On holiday we'd feed him at 7am, change him and settle him in his buggy for a nap and then we'd head down to breakfast. After breakfast we'd feed him again, play with him a bit and then settle him for another nap in the buggy and drop him off at creche while we went to the morning talk. During the coffee break he'd wake for a feed and then we took him in the pool before settling him for another nap while we had lunch. After lunch I'd give him another feed before taking him out in the baby carrier while we went to the beach during which time he fell asleep. Without realising it we were following Tracey Hogg's E.A.S.Y method.

After the beach everyone was heading to the pool and we wanted to take Josiah in too. But he was hungry cos he'd just woken up so I did what I considered to be 'cheating' and fed him just enough to quiet him down. After a swim I gave him a full feed and then we put him down to bed. He then slept through the whole of dinner and the evening entertainment. The other day I was reading Gina Ford's recommendations for bedtime routine and realised my 'cheating' and feeding Josiah either side of his time in the pool actually matched her suggested bedtime routine. She advocates feeding at 5pm followed by bathtime and social time, another feed at 6.15pm and then settled to sleep at 7pm. We tried it for the first time last night and it worked wonders - no 2/3hour fight to get him to sleep!

Another thing I did while on holiday was when Josiah slept all evening and it got near to the time I wanted sleep I started thinking 'he's not gonna sleep much longer - if I go to bed now he's likely to wake me in half hour or so. Maybe I'll just wake him and feed him now.' So that's what I did - I woke him at 10pm to get  his feed out of the way before I went to bed instead of being woken at 11/11.30pm. Again I felt that by doing this I was somehow cheating. Then last night I read about dream feeding - basically giving a top up feed around 10/11pm while baby is still asleep. We tried it last night and it was quite amusing trying to shove a boob in his mouth in the dark while his mouth is clamped shut. We did manage it in the end though and the result was he only woke at 2am and 6am so not bad going.

Well it's nearly 5pm so time to go get little man for his feed and bathtime - he's stirring from his nap right on cue. Here's hoping tonight goes as well as last night!

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

First family holiday

Just got back from a great weekend away in Newquay with our lovely church family at St Andrews. It was so nice to get away for a few days and enjoy good food, time to relax and a break from housework as well as some good Bible teaching. Josiah was totally spoilt for attention - plenty of old ladies cooing over him and people fighting for their turn to have a cuddle.

Before going away I was a little apprehensive as I wondered how Josiah would behave. I could just imagine being stuck in our hotel room all weekend feeding and trying to settle a screaming kid. Thankfully, just a few days before going away, we made a major breakthrough and Josiah learned to settle himself to sleep. It was the one skill we were most keen for him to learn but had no idea how best to help him.

As a new parent there is so much to learn and so many choices to make as to how to look after your child. We have found ourselves turning to google on many occasions to help us answer questions like "how often should a newborn feed?", "how do I settle my screaming child?", "when/how should I get my child into a routine?" and "how do I get my kid to sleep through the night?" The internet was full of advice and theories on different parenting techniques but I found that when I began following what I had read I stopped listening to my own instinct and to my child as well - not good.

Last week I had got to the point where sleep had become more important to me than anything else and as a result I was cutting corners and making some unwise choices. I had got into a bad habit of feeding Josiah to sleep and then having to sit really still for 15 mins or so to make sure he was definately asleep before putting him in his crib as it seemed the only guaranteed method of settling him. Really I was making things worse for myself as it meant I became the only person able to settle him to sleep and that extra burden on top of feeding soon became too much for me. I knew it was a technique that I couldn't keep up for long and that I needed to try new methods.

One day I was so sleep deprived I wanted to cry and reaching breaking point as Josiah wailed continuously. Running out of ideas as to what to try to soothe him I of course turned to google. I soon found myself worn out by information overload from all the different and often conflicting advice. How do I know which methods to use or which advice to listen to?! Among all the websites about Ferber method, attachment parenting and cosleeping I found something that really helped me.  All the other websites I had read focused on telling parents what to do or not do but this one simply explained the reasons behind a childs behaviour and left you to make up your own mind on how to act.  It explained that in order to sleep we need to feel safe. We all wake up at points during the night and our survival instinct tells us to check for danger and if our surroundings are safe and we feel secure we fall asleep again.  So the key thing no matter what method I chose was to make Josiah feel safe and secure so he could sleep. 

I ended up trying a method across between Ferber and Hogg - give Josiah kisses and cuddles before putting him in his crib awake, leave the room for 5 mins and let him cry if needed, go back and gently talk to him and reassure him, stroke his hair, maybe more cuddles and then leave the room for another 5 mins etc etc. I really didn't expect it to work to be honest but it has worked beautifully ever since! And it's not just his sleep that has improved - he generally cries less throughout the day and seems much more secure and relaxed.  I think what it comes down to is that the mixture of reassuring him and leaving him alone a little has taught him:

1. Mummy and Daddy can be trusted and are never far away
2. The world isn't such a scary place really
3. His cries are heard and produce a response
4. He has confidence to try new things or overcome challenges on his own because he knows mummy and daddy are close by

Hooray for sleep!!

We now have a very happy, relaxed, confident and sociable little boy who is a joy to be around (mostly!) And I have learned to stop reading parenting websites and instead create my own methods based on the basic principals of making sure Josiah feels safe and loved while also giving him chance to push his boundaries and try new things.

Where's the off switch?!

We were doing so well and I was beginning to think we would be lucky enough not to reach the 'so tired you wanna cry' phase that everyone talks about. I was wrong.  Everything was going great, Josiah was feeding well, we'd learnt a few tricks to settle him and he coped very well with the disruption in his schedule when the grandparents came to visit.  Then the other day he decided to feed for 6 hours straight and the last few nights he's struggled to settle.  I am sooooo tired and long for some time to myself.  Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with Josiah and playing together and showing him new things and new places. But there are times I feel like across between a dairy cow and a human pacifier.  If only there were a way to detach my boobs and let him get on with it!

I was thinking the other day how weird breast feeding must be from a guys point of view. You marry a girl, you pledge to give your bodies solely to one another and you enjoy the intimacy of that. Then this kid comes along and suddenly not only do you no longer get sole access to your wifes boobs but you actually barely get near them cos the kid seems permanently attached.  Add to that the fact that those boobs that were once for your eyes only get whipped out anytime, any place, infront of anyone.  It must be a lot for a guy to get used to.  I'd be interested to hear comments from guys about their experience.

So far so good

We've survived the first week without killing the kid - hooray! What a week it's been - full of challenges/cute bits/funny bits.  I thought I'd share some highlights with you all while I have chance.

There's been a lot to get used to for all of us - lack of sleep, learning to breastfeed, learning to eat one handed at the same time as breastfeeding, getting to know each other.  It's been tough, I'm not gonna lie. In fact when people say they really miss this newborn stage I think they are either lying or have totally forgotten what it was really like. Don't get me wrong, I love our little man, but it is tough.  The other day I realised I breastfeed at least 8 times a day for about an hour a time. That's equivalent to the number of hours I used to spend at work each day - except with breastfeeding I don't get weekends off! No wonder so many people give up on breastfeeding.

Though the rough days are a nightmare it's all worth it for the good days. Like last night I went to bed early and got a couple of hours sleep before Josiah's 11:30pm feed. He fed really easily with no fuss, settled down and slept after each feed and even went 3 hours in a row without waking up at one point. And this morning after his 6:30am feed I felt alive enough to actually get out of bed after instead of falling back asleep. While Josiah slept off breakfast I did laundry, tidied the kitchen, had a bath and ate breakfast. We then all curled up in bed for a bit of family time and just hung out and listened to music. I found it so nice spending some time with Josiah doing something other than just feeding him!!

Time with Josiah has taught me a few things about us and God too. I was thinking the other day about how funny it is that Josiah is totally happy with sitting in a poo filled nappy but as soon as you try to change him then he screams. It got me thinking about the fact that we are often quite content with our messed up human nature and when God tries to 'clean us up' we seem to think it's the worst thing ever and that He's doing something bad to us when really it's for our own good.

I was also thinking about how dependant Josiah is on other people. He can't change his own nappy and we'd never expect him to try - that would be crazy.  One of the unique things about Christianity is the idea of grace. Most religions revolve around the basic premise that there is something wrong with us and/or the world and we need to do something (confession, good deeds, mediation etc) in order to fix the problem and/or make up for our mistakes.  The Bible clearly tells us that actually God does not expect us to fix our own mess.  Instead He shows us grace and asks that we simply put our faith in Jesus and depend on Him to do it for us.

To read more about God's grace check out the book of Galatians

Josiah's diary - Day 4

So it was all going great - I was getting the hang of breast feeding, mummy was getting pretty good at doing things one handed while feeding me and sometimes I even let mummy and daddy get a nap.  Then yesterday disaster struck - MUMMY'S BOOBS BROKE!!

I don't know what happened. Suddenly mummy's boobs were twice the size and rock solid. Feeding was like trying to get blood out of a stone. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to latch on properly and I was getting more and more frustrated.  I could see mummy was getting frustrated too.  She spent most of that afternoon and evening massaging her boobs, hand expressing milk and using a breast pump all to make sure I was still getting fed but it still wasn't fixing my latching on problem.

Early this morning, after a frustrating night, we sent daddy to sainsburys to buy cabbage. The midwife lady told mummy that putting cabbage leaves in your bra might fix things and at this point we were willing to try anything. Mummy shoved a couple of leaves in her bra and then we headed off to anti natal class.  Everyone there was excited to meet me and I think they were all too busy talking about how cute I am to notice mummy's cabbage leaves or the fact her boobs were leaking.

Well the cabbage leaves seem to be working and I can finally feed again. Only thing is that now mummy's boobs seem to have sprung a leak! I'm not sure if mummy has noticed but while I'm feeding from one boob I get dripped on from the other. Time to ask mummy and daddy for a dry set of clothes!

Josiah's diary - day 1

Me and Daddy

I entered the outside world about 1am - I figured I might as well get mummy and daddy ready for sleepless nights from day one! The first thing I noticed was it was very bright and very cold. Thankfully I was quickly put on mummy's chest and covered up.  It was nice all snuggled up with her and good to see what she looks like from the outside.

I didn't get to stay there long though - some people came and took mummy away to 'fix' her.  That left me alone with daddy for a bit of male bonding time.  It was good to finally meet  the guy who's been reading me bedtime stories for the last few months and match a face to the voice.  As I lay there snuggled against his chest I decided to see if daddy's boobies work the same as mummy''s. Unfortunately they didn't but the look on daddy's face when I tried was funny.  I may try doing that again in the future just to tease him.

After a while we were allowed to go and see mummy and I finally got chance to have some food!  We hung out as a family for a bit and then got moved up to the ward where we would be staying for the next few days.  Daddy wasn't allowed to stay though - he had to go home and sleep but promised he'd be back to hang out with us soon.  As daddy said goodbye and mummy started to fall asleep I started thinking to myself that noone had told me the mealtime arrangements. When would I next get fed? Should I ask someone? I decided to ask mum for some more food before she fell asleep.  Finally, around 6am, comfortably full from second breakfast, I fell asleep.  It had been a tiring day and I wanted time to recover and prepare myself to meet my adoring fans the next day.

Welcome to the human race!

We are pleased to announce the safe arrival of Josiah Gallagher born at 00:53am on Friday 7th September.  He's currently asleep on daddy's chest so thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you how it went.

Well, it's been an eventful couple of weeks and things certainly didn't go as we had planned but we know God had it all planned out for us.  Day one of maternity leave I started to feel a bit funny and got sent to hospital to have my high blood pressure checked out.  After a full MOT on me and the baby I was told we were fine and sent home. Later I got a call to say when they got my blood tests back my liver function test was a little high and they wanted me to come back for another blood test to make sure it was just a random blip and not increasing.  Unfortunately it wasn't just a blip, it was increasing, and so began two weeks of almost daily trips to hospital for repeat blood tests (the majority of which were a waste of time as the lab kept screwing up the results). Instead of spending my maternity leave relaxing I spent it sat in stuffy hospital waiting rooms and being used as a pin cushion. I found it very frustrating but felt sure there was a reason God was allowing me to go through it and just prayed he would give me patience.

On Thursday I went to see the consultant to get a verdict on all the tests and to review our plans for home birth.  She said they couldn't work out why my liver function was still increasing as tests had ruled out all the obvious things. As a result we were recommended to not have a home birth and to consider being induced at 40 weeks.  It was not the news we'd hoped for but God gave me reassurance that there was a reason behind it.

The though of having to decide about being induced was quite daunting and I was really hoping and praying labour would start on its own before a decision had to be made.  I sent an email to a few friends asking them to pray (thanks guys!!) and within an hour I began having stomach cramps which I assumed were just Braxton Hicks.  After a couple of hours of having these cramps consistently about 4 mins apart I decided to Google "how to tell the difference between Braxton Hicks and real contractions".....

Braxton Hicks contractions: 

• are infrequent, usually happening no more than once or twice an hour, a few times a day
• often stop if you change activity
• are usually irregular, and if they are regular they only stay that way for a short spell
• do not last long, usually less than a minute
• continue to be unpredictable and non-rhythmic
• do not increase in intensity

Compared to Braxton Hicks contractions, labour contractions are usually: 

• noticeably longer
• more regular
• more frequent
• more painful
• keep on going, increasing in frequency, duration, and intensity as time goes on

Oops, so they were the real deal all along.  Once I knew the contractions were real I figured it was no longer too soon/too wussy to use the TENS machine so I strapped it on to take the edge off.  I started doing a few chores, hung out and watched TV and generally tried to ignore what was happening.  When my mum called that evening for her usual weekly catch up the conversation was interupted every 3 mins by me breathing through a contraction.  Mum soon told me to get off the phone and call the midwife.  When I spoke to the labour ward they said it was my call as to whether I wanted to come in then or wait at home.  I'd spent enough time in Derriford already that week so decided to stay home as long as possible. By the time I did cave in and decide to head to the hospital for better pain relief I was 8cm dilated!

The next few hours after that are all a bit hazy.  I remember lying on my side sucking away on the gas and air while different people walked in and out of the room to examine me, do blood tests and coach me through it.  I was so focused on breathing through the pain that it wasn't until my husband told me afterwards that I discovered I'd had three different midwives come and go during my labour. After a couple of hours of contractions the midwife decided it was time to check again how far along I was.  She was shocked to see that not only was I fully dilated but the amniotic sack was bulging out of me as the baby's head pressed down on it.  She broke my waters for me and announced it was time to put down the gas and air and get ready to push!

As I knelt down and leaned over the back of the bed I tried my best to follow the midwifes instructions to take a deep breath and push long and hard.  It sounded pretty straight forward but I wasn't doing that great a job - I wasted far too much energy screaming instead of pushing haha!  Despite that it only took 23 minutes of pushing to deliver the baby.  As I got near to the final push the midwife offered to give me a quick cut to help.  Before labour I was scared at the thought of an episotomy but at that point I figured I had nothing to lose.  The cut was so small and quick it just felt like when you cut yourself shaving. One final push and it was all over! Unfortunately I pushed a little too hard and tore my episiotomy quite badly so after a quick snuggle with our son I had to be taken in to theatre to have a thorough repair job done.  Now it all made sense why God guided us towards a hospital birth - a major tear like that at home could have had a much worse ending!

Now after a short hospital stay we're all home and enjoying hanging out and getting to know each other.  We look forward to introducing you all to Josiah soon. 

Pregnancy week 38

Day one of maternity leave and I end up spending the afternoon in hospital - not the greatest start. Don't worry though - we're both fine.

As I sat there in the maternity unit in a room with two other women, the sound of their babies heart monitors mingling with mine and the sound of other peoples contractions filling the air, I thought to myself "home birth is definately the right choice for me!"  Though the doctors and midwives were friendly and helpful I found myself seeing one person one minute and then they'd swap shifts and it'd be someone else. I was left on my own for long periods of time as the poor overstretched midwife ran from one cubicle to another and the doctors all got paged to attend a C-section. When I think about it now I feel a little spoilt/greedy knowing I'll have two midwives all to myself at home.

The other thing with hospitals is they are so boring! Just as I expected, boredom and my husband did not mix too well and resulted in him driving me nuts by fiddling with all the equipment. If he does that when I'm in labour I know it will drive me insane so being at home away from all machines with flashing lights is probably the best thing for both of us. He was playing with the bed, checking the heart rate print out, fiddling with the monitor strapped around my belly... I knew it would only be a matter of time before he would get told off by the midwife for something and I was correct.  It did however make me feel a little better when the junior doctor attending me managed to make the end of the bed fall off!

Pregnancy week 37

I've come to the conclusion that crowds and pregnancy don't mix.  On Saturday we went to Flavourfest and instead of enjoying it like last year I actually found it quite stressful. As my husband ate his way from stall to stall (eating all kinds of pate and cheeses I wasn't allowed) I waddled behind him trying to avoid being elbowed in the belly.  People in crowds are so totally oblivious!  Noone seemed to be looking where they were going - they were all too busy looking at food or walking along texting.  It didn't take long for me to grow tired of waddling around, especially as I was too fat to squeeze through the crowds and get close to the stalls and even if I could have got close I wasn't allowed to eat most of the free samples anyway.  We decided to go and watch the cookery demos but the heat and pressure on my hips meant I soon had to sit down. Unfortunately there were no free seats. As I waddled from bench to bench looking for space and getting hotter and more flustered did anyone offer me a seat? Heck no! So I gave up and just sat on the floor which of course led to me getting stuck on the floor.  I really can't wait to be able to move around normally again - I feel like such an invalid!

Thankfully I've now reached week 37 and the end is in sight!! It's my last week at work before maternity leave, hospital bag packed just in case (though hopefully won't be needed) and plenty of homemade lasagne stock piled in the freezer.

Last week we went over our home birth plans with the midwife and she gave us our home birth kit. Hubby got excited to see what cool things would be included and was a little grossed out by some of the contents (especially the biohazard tub for disposal of the placenta!). It's crazy to think that he could be born any day now if he wanted - though I've told him he needs to wait at least until next week or else the plastic sheeting I've ordered from Ebay won't have been delivered and we'll have nothing to protect the carpet from the bloodbath of child birth.

Today I had my presentation scan which confirmed baby is definately head down. I could have told them that already though just by the recent increase in how often I have to get up to pee in the night (6 times last night!) as well as the fact that now everytime I sneeze the poor kid head butts me in the pelvis - not comfortable for either of us!  My back and hips are becoming quite uncomfortable and little mr fidget bum in there is making me feel like I'm being beaten up from the inside!  I couldn't help laughing the other day when my husband was giving me a hug and the baby kicked him square in the groin haha.

Pregnancy week 35

I haven't written in a while as I expected everyone was getting about as bored of reading about my pregnancy as I am of being pregnant. Apparently I was wrong so thought it was time I wrote another update.

So what funny stories shall I share with you this time?

Apparently I'm bigger than I think I am. I was heading into my local supermarket the other day and this guy was stood outside a good 5/6ft from the door but when he saw me coming still felt like he needed to move out of my way!  I've lost count of the number of times I've hit my bump on tables and counter tops in the last week and I now have to brush my teeth standing side on to the sink or I hit my bump every time I go to spit. Good job the poor kid is well padded in there or he'd be coming out with bruises!

The baby is taking up more and more space and when he moves around he really does stick out a lot. My belly often looks like something out of an alien movie! Curled up in bed with my husband the other morning he grabbed what he thought was my hip. He seemed a little confused when I asked him why he was holding onto the baby's leg! That made me giggle.

Being this fat, tired and uncomfortable doesn't really do a whole lot for your sex drive.  My husband decided to try a new method of wooing me the other day - he tried playing me a recording of the mating sound of a  whale!! Cheeky so and so!

It's been great seeing the changes in my husband as he fully embraces this pregnancy.  He's one of those guys who loves using his spare time to read up on topics that interest him and read product reviews.  He loves sport and photography and always takes note of what cameras people have.  Now as we wander around town he also notices what push chair or baby carrier people have.  Another thing he has taken to doing in town is playing a new game I like to call 'fatty or preggo?' Basically how it goes is we'll be walking down the street and Josh will poke me and try to subtly point out some poor oversized woman in the crowd and guess if her pot belly is baby related or just plain flabby.

Josh pretends to be chilled out and uninterested but has secretly been reading up on all kinds of things and seems to know more (theory wise) about pregnancy, breast feeding and labour than I do.  It's great to know I have good support and he's doing all he can to prepare. It's interesting how certain pregnancy symptoms help to prepare you for life after the birth. For example my husband having to help me get dressed in the morning is good practise for when he has to dress a kid. And getting up to pee five times a night is preparing me for the sleep deprivation to come.  The local sea gulls have decided to help prepare us too by screeching outside our window at 5am every morning - how thoughtful of them (not!).

I'm finally getting to the point where it feels like the end is almost in sight and it's time for the last few preparations. The freezer is slowly filling up with home cooked meals (I have a feeling we're gonna quickly get tired of eating leftover lasagne) and we've booked our home birth and met our midwife. I wonder what the shops below us are going to think when I go into labour?! Hope I'm not too noisy or annoying. Though I have to admit there is a small part of me that is kinda looking forward to getting my own back on our new neighbours who seem to think 11:30pm is a good time to do DIY!

This week we had our first anti natal class. I was surprised by how many other dad's were there and pleased too - nice to have some mutual support for hubby.  Most of the stuff covered this week wasn't really new to us but I did learn a few things. Like apparently expecting a 4 week old baby to be fine sitting in a car seat for a couple of hours drive to Newquay was perhaps a little optimistic (something about their spine not liking it too much).  I wonder what other details like that I'm gonna have not thought about?! I have so much to learn.  The main thing I got out of the anti natal class was realising how great my husband is, what a good support he is and what an amazing dad he is to our little boy even now.

Pregnancy diary part 3

The weeks are still slowly dragging by. Do I really have another two months of this left?!  As I continue to grow bigger and more uncomfortable I'm trying to see the funny side of things. Today I was told I look very pregnant.  It made me smile as I thought about how it's fine to tell someone they look really pregnant but tell someone they're looking really fat today and they won't thank you for it!

It's now become near impossible to cook without splashing dinner on myself as my belly sticks out so far and my husband can't help laughing at how far away from the counter I have to stand these days.

One of the more bizarre pregnancy symptoms is the 'nesting instinct' and mine has certainly kicked in.  The last few weeks I've had a strong urge to rearrange the house and tidy and clean.  Of course I can't lift stuff or reach for things and struggle to bend down so the result was a weekend of me waddling around instructing my husband to move things all over the place.  I think this has been the hardest symptom for him to handle so far and know I must have driven him crazy!  But now the house looks great and most stuff we need is in place. It almost looks like there's a kid living here already.

One of the funniest moments so far was when I asked my husband to cut my toes nails for me. He's a bit of a germophobe and he also hates feet so I knew my request wouldn't go down well.  Anyone who knows my husband knows that he likes to be a bit of a drama queen at times to milk things for their comedy value and tonight was no exception.  I was in fits of laughter watching him squirm and object as I tried to get him to touch my feet. Eventually he made an attempt to cut a toe nail but cutting someone elses nails is actually pretty hard cos you can't tell if you're hurting them.  Add to that the fact that Josh is left handed and trying to use right handed scissors and you'll see just how challenging it was!

It's my birthday on Tuesday and my parents are paying for me to have a pregnancy spa day which is gonna be great. I'm looking forward to some pampering. But it just dawned on me that some poor person is gonna have to massage my unshaved legs and get near my nasty looking feet. Do I dare to ask my husband to help me shave my legs?!!

The pregnancy diary continues...

Once upon a time I used to find having a bath relaxing. Today my back and ribs were aching so I decided to take a nice bath.  This bath was anything but relaxing! I used to love a good hour long soak in the tub but there was no chance of that tonight. I was in the bath for only about 20 mins and had to get out to pee twice!

Shaving my legs has now become quite an ordeal.  No matter how I tried to shift position and contort myself my growing belly just would not let me get my legs near enough to reach.

Next I tried to lie down and take the weight off my bump but quickly realised that was a mistake as I couldn't sit up again! Thankfully we have one of those P shaped baths so the extra width allowed my to eventually roll over on to my side and then get up on all fours.  Thought I was gonna have to call hubby to come rescue me for a minute there. My husband has now become quite used to hearing the words "babe, I'm stuck" and having to rescue me cos I'm stuck on the sofa or can't get out of my tights haha.

Navigating the storms of life

Change is an inevitable part of life and the past few weeks at work have certainly been full of unexpected changes! I've found it interesting watching different people's reactions to all that has been going on. Some people are excited by the change but others are not coping so well (mentioning no names Mr grumpy pants in the corner!)

So what is it that influences our ability to cope with and even welcome change?  Like an anchor holding a boat in a storm, we all seem to need something or someone as that one stable thing to cling to.  Some of us feel able to weather any storm as long as our partner is still by our side. Others feel sure they can handle any challenge as long as they have money.  Some place their security in their career. And others may feel that no matter who else abandons them in life they will always have their parents to rely on. So what is it for you? What is your anchor?

The problem with all these things is that none of them are 100% solid. Jobs get axed, relationships end, people die and money gets lost. So is there anything or anyone we can fully rely on to help us through the storms of life? I believe I have found the answer.

The Bible says there is one person we can always rely on:

    "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever!" Hebrews 13:8

King David wrote:

    "The Lord is my solid rock, my fortress, my rescuer. My God is my rock— I take refuge in him!- he’s my shield and my salvation’s strength, my place of safety and my shelter." 2 Samuel 22:2-3

I have found this to be true in my own life. I remember a time in my late teens when a lot of changes hit me all at once and I was trusting in my partner at the time to get me through. So when he left me in the middle of the changes I kinda went off the deep end and was a mess for a while.  But over the past few years I have learnt to put my trust in Jesus more and more.  Not so long ago I went through a period of massive change like never before. In 18 months I moved house 4 times, changed jobs 5 times, changed church twice and went from being single to engaged to married!  Through it all I was able to remain (mostly) calm as I had total trust that no matter what else happened I knew I could rely on Jesus and his promises to me in the Bible.


Through all the storms of life my daily prayer is this...

"Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen today that you and I can't handle together."

Place your bets...

For me the novelty of pregnancy has worn off and the weeks are starting to drag. My husband however is still finding plenty of amusement in the whole situation.  Recently he has become fascinated with watching my belly button slowly turn from an 'inny' to an 'outy'.  The transition is still in its early stages with only the top bit sticking out so far. 



So, place your bets - what date do you think the transition to full outy will be complete? Post your answers and the winner will receive a prize!

Preparing for birth

Week 28 - I'm now in my final trimester and growing impatient to meet our little boy. The weeks continue to slowly tick by and my belly slowly grows bigger and more and more like an alien movie as the baby moves around more.  The novelty of pregnancy is starting to wear off, the rib pain is growing worse and the tiredness from the first trimester is slowly creeping back.

I'm running out of things to do to prepare for baby and help the time to pass so I've begun researching about birth and writing my birth plan.  One of the first things I read was that giving birth takes about as much effort as running a marathon. Oh dear - I'm sooo not in shape for a marathon!!  So then I started reading up on what kind of training regime I need to get me ready.  I found this really useful article on Pregnancy exercises like pelvic floor exercises.  So, I have my fitness regime planned:

Step 1: Do pelvic floor exercises daily
(Step 0.5: Work out where pelvic floor muscles are!)
Step 2: Sit cross legged a lot

Doesn't sound too strenuous to me.  12 weeks is long enough to train for a marathon right? Or perhaps I should have thought about this sooner?!

Next up I found this article on labour tools which had some great simple ideas that made my husband and I laugh (tennis balls? rolling pin?).

Finally, I got to the main topic of concern during childbirth - PAIN! As I read it became clear that for a lot of women their main aim in labour is to feel as little pain as possible. And there was me thinking the main aim is to give birth to a healthy child! Now the big question is do I want an epidural.  Though I'm really not a fan of excruciating pain, I'm not sure I like the idea of being numb from the waist down either.  How am I supposed to feel what's going on or know when to push if I can't feel anything? How will I know if I'm tearing or doing other damage to myself without the help of pain to alert me? 

It got me thinking about how we view pain, not just in child birth but in life generally. Most people view pain as a bad thing to be avoided at all costs.  But is pain really always a bad thing? Doesn't pain let us know when something is wrong? Doesn't it let us know we're alive? Surely feeling pain is preferable to feeling nothing at all?!

Beer Bread

Today I made two new discoveries:

1) My belly is now so big that when I'm sat at my desk at work my belly is actually sat on my lap!
2) Beer bread......

Baking bread is one of those things I've always wanted to try but it sounded like a lot of effort and I wasn't sure if my culinary skills were up to it.  Then a friend gave me a recipe for beer bread. It's so insanely easy and yummy I thought I'd share it with you all. Just a few simple ingredients involved and zero skill. Best of all, as it's an America recipe the measurements are in cups so I can still make it when the batteries in my kitchen scales are dead (digital scales seemed like such a good idea when we got them - not sure I fully thought it through).  For those of you that don't have measuring cups don't worry as I'll include ml measurements too so you can just use a measuring jug (yes that's right use a measuring jug to measure out flour - I know, Americans bake funny, but I kinda like it).

What you need:
3 cups/700ml self raising flour
1 cup/230ml sugar
1 bottle Newcastle Brown Ale or similar
1/4 cup/60ml melted butter

Mix together the flour, sugar and beer and pour it into a buttered loaf tin.  It'll be runny like cake mix but don't let that worry you.  Put it in the oven at 350F (that's 180C) for 40 mins.  Pour the melted butter over the top and put back in the oven for another 10 minutes.  I found mine was still a little doughy in the middle and needed a little longer but I'm not convinced by the accuracy of my oven thermostat so yours may turn out just fine.

It tastes sooooo good - I can see it's not gonna last long!  I hope you enjoy it too. Happy baking :)

Pregnancy Update

I'm still enjoying this journey of discovery that is pregnancy.  Discoveries for this week include discovering I can no longer see my feet and that the swollen ankles (or 'cankles' as Josh likes to call them) have now set in.  Also discovered that now I can not only feel the baby move but can see it.  We were watching TV the other day and then started to see my belly jump around as the baby kicked and rolled around  - what a great new party trick!

As time goes by the baby feels less like indigestion and more like a little personality who responds to the world around him (like dancing along to 'Street Dance' the movie or kicking the midwife when she tries to measure his heartbeat or responding to the sound of his daddys voice as he reads Bible stories at bed time).

I'm beginning to see how lucky I am to have a great husband to share this journey with - someone to share my excitement with when I discover new things, someone to point out symptoms I hadn't noticed ('look babe - you've got stretch marks'......'ooo your belly button is nearly an outy!'.....etc), someone to take photos to help us remember forever, someone to browse 'toys r us' with, someone to help me work out how to use the baby carrier....

The other day I came home to find Josh sat on the floor surrounded by pushchair parts trying to work out how to put the cover back on the car seat and put the whole 'travel system' together.  He was loving getting the hang of all the buttons, perfecting his technique of switching it from one mode to another and giving me lessons in how it all works haha. I love how involved he's been in my pregnancy and know the journey wouldn't be as much fun without him. I thank God everyday that I have such good support and that our baby has a daddy who's already so in love with him and wanting to be involved in his life.

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be pregnant? My husband was saying the other day that it's one of a few things he's curious to experience just to know what it feels like. So I thought I'd have a go at trying to describe what it's like.

First trimester
Imagine across between a bladder infection, irritable bowel syndrome and mild (or in some cases not so mild) flu.  You feel bloated, go off food and struggle to find the energy to get through the day.  Then you have an ultra sound scan and discover the bloated feeling was more than just gas or indigestion.  And that lumpy feeling in your stomach wasn't constipation - it's a baby!

Second trimester
You feel like a normal human being again - so much so that you often forget you're pregnant. (Of course your other half is very quick to remind you as soon as you so much as look at a piece of brie or glass of wine!)  Every now and then you feel a vein throbbing in your groin and then after a few weeks it becomes clear that it's not a vein at all - it's actually a little person kicking you in the groin to let you know that they find the jeans you are wearing very uncomfortable and really wish you'd buy some maternity clothes.  Some days you have rib pain, others it's hard to breathe but one thing that never goes away is the regular urge to pee. You soon find you know the location of every single public toilet in town.  When you look down at your belly it doesn't seem all that big to you but slowly you find your clothes getting too tight and you keep kneeing yourself in the belly every time you bend down to put your shoes on.  Things that used to be second nature (like taking your socks off or rolling over in bed) begin to require some thought and readjustment.  And it dawns on you one day that you have begun to waddle when you walk!

As for the third trimester, I don't reach that magical milestone until next weekend so I'll have to get back to you about that one.

Living in exile/The end of Christendom

I was reading an article the other day in which a guy was saying we need to adopt an "ecclesiology of exile".  So what was he on about? Well.....

Once upon a time Britian was a Christian nation and the majority of the population were regular church goers.  We lived in 'Christendom' and Christian values underpinned society in the UK.  But a lot has changed in the last century and now we are living in a society where Christians are very much in the minority.  The last figure I heard was that only 10% of the UK population attend church. Despite this we as Christians still try to impose our Christian values on our largely non-Christian society and lobby to pass laws based on Christian values which the majority of society no longer hold to.

The author of the article says, "We are not called to Christianize the state, there is no point prescribing Christian values for people who are not Christians. But we are in the industry of being a really, really annoying force of resistance in the world around us."

Once upon a time Christianity drove mainstream culture, now Christianity is very much different than mainstream culture. We need to accept our new status as being like exiles here and live like Daniel and his friends when they were in exile in Babylon - annoyingly different in a very intreaguing and inspiring way.  

We need to take a leaf out of the book of the Epistle to Diognetus:

For the Christians are distinguished from other men neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. For they neither inhabit cities of their own, nor employ a peculiar form of speech, nor lead a life which is marked out by any singularity. The course of conduct which they follow has not been devised by any speculation or deliberation of inquisitive men; nor do they, like some, proclaim themselves the advocates of any merely human doctrines. But, inhabiting Greek as well as barbarian cities, according as the lot of each of them has determined, and following the customs of the natives in respect to clothing, food, and the rest of their ordinary conduct, they display to us their wonderful and confessedly striking method of life. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners. As citizens, they share in all things with others, and yet endure all things as if foreigners. Every foreign land is to them as their native country, and every land of their birth as a land of strangers. They marry, as do all [others]; they beget children; but they do not destroy their offspring. They have a common table, but not a common bed. They are in the flesh, but they do not live after the flesh. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives. They love all men, and are persecuted by all. They are unknown and condemned; they are put to death, and restored to life. They are poor, yet make many rich; they are in lack of all things, and yet abound in all; they are dishonoured, and yet in their very dishonour are glorified. They are evil spoken of, and yet are justified; they are reviled, and bless; they are insulted, and repay the insult with honour; they do good, yet are punished as evil-doers. When punished, they rejoice as if quickened into life; they are assailed by the Jews as foreigners, and are persecuted by the Greeks; yet those who hate them are unable to assign any reason for their hatred.

What happened before the beginning?

A friend of mine went through a phase of preaching about Genesis a lot - to the point that we would tease him that 'it all begins in Genesis'.  One big focus he had was on God as Creator..."In the beginning God created...." and we are created in God's image so we are made to be creative too.

But if you read Genesis chapter 1 you'll see that God already existed before He created anything.  So what was He doing before He created? Genesis chapter 1 and John chapter 1 together paint a picture of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit all existing in relationship together before the universe began.  So even more fundamentally than being Creator, God is Father. Before He ever created He was already Father.

What implications does this have for us and how we view God and our relationship with Him?

The Bible talks constantly about God's grace and that we are saved by grace not works.  Despite this we still seem to have this idea in the back of our minds that if we do good things that makes us a good person who will be accepted by God and if we do bad things it makes us a bad person ("sinner") who will be rejected by God.  As mentioned in a previous blog post (http://www.smallstace.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/are-you-cursed.html ), this is utter heresy, known as Pelagianism. Or maybe we don't go quite as far as Pelagius - perhaps we accept God's forgiveness as an act of grace, but then from that point on live the rest of our lives as if we owe Him something and are still trying to pay back that debt.

As a soon to be parent, the theme of Father/Son relationships described throughout the Bible has new meaning to me. I am not having this baby because I want anything from him. I'm not expecting him to look after me or do things for me or give me stuff or do anything to earn my love. (In fact I'm expecting to give my life over to doing things for him and get nothing in return!).  Instead, I am having this baby because my husband and I love each other very much and we want to share that love with another and draw someone else into the loving relationship that we have. I will not be keeping a record of his rights and wrongs in order to weigh them up and decide whether to love him.  My reason for loving him will be only based on his identity as my son.

For this same reason we were created. In the beginning God the Father was loving the Son through the power of the Holy Spirit. And the Son, desiring to share the love the Father lavishes on him, chose to lavish love on us. We do not need to earn this love, only to be open to receive it as a free gift!

"God destined us to be his adopted children through Jesus Christ because of his love. This was according to his goodwill and plan  and to honor his glorious grace that he has given to us freely through the Son whom he loves." Ephesians 1:5-6

Olympic excitement

Here's what my husband got up to while I was having a lie in this morning...

Are you cursed?

Had a really great time last weekend hanging out with our student group and digging in to the Bible together.  We covered a lot of ground but I just wanted to share a few thoughts with you all.  One thing that really stuck me was how narrow minded we can be in our interpretation of the Bible and also in our presentation of the gospel.  The gospel I most hear preached in todays Western culture is kinda a repackaged version of karma based on a heresy made popular by Pelagius in around the 4th century (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pelagianism for more details). The way I have most often heard it is something like this....

Have you ever read the 10 commandments? Have you kept all the commandments? No.....you stole a pen once? Well you're a sinner. And because you're a sinner you're going to hell unless something can be done to make up for the bad things you have done. But don't worry cos Jesus offered to take the punishment for you - God the Father killed his Son Jesus to pay the price for what you did wrong. Isn't that great?

Ever heard that before?

There's a few problems I have with this telling of the Gospel...
1) Do we really think that the God of the Bible is so petty he's gonna send someone to hell for stealing a pen?
2) Is Jesus death on a cross really a proportional punishment for my crime of pen stealing?
3) If the problem is my doing a few things wrong then surely the solution lies with me too? Surely I can just do a few good things to even it out and then that's the problem solved? What do I need Jesus for?!

So what is the true message of the gospel? First we need to properly present the problem. 

"So, in the same way that sin entered the world through one person, and death came through sin, so death spread to all human beings with the result that all sinned." (Romans 5:12)

"Since death came through a human being, the resurrection of the dead came through one too. In the same way that everyone dies in Adam, so also everyone will be given life in Christ." (1 Corinthians 15:21-22)

The problem is not my 'sinful' actions. According to the Bible it is not my actions that make me a sinner. Instead the Bible tells us that there is a curse on humanity. The curse of sin and death entered the world through Adam and, just like kids inheriting a genetic disease, all of Adam's descendants are born with this curse. So the things I do wrong are not what make me bad - they are just a result of the curse, symptoms of my disease.  We keep telling people to treat the symptoms instead of telling them about the root problem - the curse!

Once we understand how huge the problem is then the solution becomes clearer.  If the problem is that the whole of mankind is cursed then it's clear that we can't fix it - we need outside help from someone greater than us.  Someone needs to break the curse.  That's where Jesus comes in.....

So, in summary:

1) Let's stop misrepresenting God and making Him sound like some petty dictator who sends people to hell over minute details!

2) Let's start talking to people about the true problem - the curse. I'm sure few people would disagree that we live in a crazy messed up world so hearing we are under a curse will probably make a lot of sense!
... And then let's tell them the amazing Good News that there is hope for this world yet, there is a cure to the curse. And it doesn't lie with politicians or recycling or renewable energy. The cure lies with Jesus!

The older the better

In modern culture we often think that newer is better. When it comes to books the implication is that newer books are more relevant and more accurate. However, C. S. Lewis in his introduction to "On the incarnation" written by St. Athanasius strongly disagrees and I have to say I'm with him on this one.

Though there are some good modern Christian books out there, I have to say a large proportion of them are a waste of time - wishy washy shallow fluffy rubbish. C. S. Lewis says we often mistakenly think that old books are for scholars instead of the rest of us and that it would be better to read some new book about an old book instead of reading the book itself. For example, instead of reading Plato directly, Lewis says that we:

"would rather read some book that is ten times as long all about 'isms' and influences and only once in every twelve pages telling him what Plato actually said."

Thanks to some great teachers at my church I have recently been introduced to the writings of early church fathers such as Augustine, Athanasius and Eusebius and can I just say they are amazing! One of the things I love about these guys it that when it comes to interpreting the Bible they didn't have a plethora of concordances to turn to or books on culture or years of theories and opinions to guide them. Instead they use purely Scripture to interpret Scripture - surely a much better way to go. The result is some really amazing teaching that makes me fall more in love with the Bible (and therefore more in love with Jesus) every time I read.

For example check out this little sermon snippet from Theodore the Studite in the 9th century:"How precious the gift of the cross, how splendid to contemplate! In the cross there is no mingling of good and evil, as in the tree of paradise: it is wholly beautiful to behold and good to taste. The fruit of this tree is not death but life, not darkness but light. This tree does not cast us out of paradise, but opens the way for our return.

This was the tree on which Christ, like a king on a chariot, destroyed the devil, the lord of death, and freed the human race from his tyranny. This was the tree upon which the Lord like a brave warrior wounded in hands, feet and side, healed the wounds of sin that the evil serpent had inflicted on our nature. A tree once caused our death, but now a tree brings life. Once deceived by a tree, we have now repelled the cunning serpent by a tree. What an astonishing transformation! That death should become life, that decay should become immortality, that shame should become glory! Well might the holy Apostle exclaim: Far be it from me to glory except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world! The supreme wisdom that flowered on the cross has shown the folly of worldly wisdom's pride. The knowledge of all good, which is the fruit of the cross, has cut away the shoots of wickedness.

The wonders accomplished through this tree were foreshadowed clearly even by the mere types and figures that existed in the past. Meditate on these, if you are eager to learn. Was it not the wood of a tree that enabled Noah, at God's command, to escape the destruction of the flood together with his sons, his wife, his sons' wives and every kind of animal? And surely the rod of Moses prefigured the cross when it changed water into blood, swallowed up the false serpents of Pharaoh's magicians, divided the sea at one stroke and then restored the waters to their normal course, drowning the enemy and saving God's own people? Aaron's rod, which blossomed in one day in proof of his true priesthood, was another figure of the cross, and did not Abraham foreshadow the cross when he bound his son Isaac and placed him on the pile of wood?

By the cross death was slain and Adam was restored to life. The cross is the glory of all the apostles, the crown of the martyrs, the sanctification of the saints. By the cross we put on Christ and cast aside our former self. By the cross we, the sheep of Christ, have been gathered into one flock, destined for the sheepfold of heaven."

See how beautifully he draws together many threads of Scripture? Love it. For a few more snippets from a variety of writers check out:

http://www.rc.net/wcc/cross.htm

Happy reading

Not so bad Friday

Just saw this on a friends Facebook page and it made me smile. It also got me thinking. We have our own basic ideas about what is good and what is bad in life:
poverty=bad, plenty=good
pleasure=good, pain=bad

But as the Bible says, God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are different than ours. Not all painful things are bad. For example, child birth - plenty of pain involved but what an amazing result! Just as the pain of child birth results in a new life, so the pain Jesus went through on the cross results in new life for us.

Check out this quote from St Augustine:

‎"The death of the Lord our God should not be a cause of shame for us; rather, it should be our greatest hope, our greatest glory. In taking upon himself the death that he found in us, he has most faithfully promised to give us life in him, such as we cannot have of ourselves."

Happy Easter