The unlikely art of hospitality

A while ago my husband and I were discussing what gifts we would like God to help us grow in and we both said hospitality. Back then I think I imagined this would look something like me learning to cook like Mary Berry and host elegant dinner parties with wine and beautiful homemade desserts in my spotless home. Oh, how wrong I was!! So, from what I've learned so far, what does good hospitality look like?

- it's being willing to be vulnerable and invite people round even though my house isn't perfect/I haven't cooked from scratch/I don't know them that well.

- it's deliberately not cleaning my house before my friends with kids come round cos I don't want them to feel like they're the only mama who can't keep their house spotless while looking after kids.

- it's having friends round to drink wine out of disposable cups in our pajamas cos I'm too tired to do much (even wash wine glasses) but don't want to miss the opportunity to connect with friends.

- it's not letting the fact we don't have enough chairs or cutlery or space prevent me from inviting friends to come for a very loud, very simple meal with kids all over the place.

- it's inviting the people that need it most instead of the people I like most or get along with easiest or are most like me.

Ultimately, good hospitality is about being willing to share our homes and lives with people and to be vulnerable enough to show them the real me, not a persona I put on especially for guests.

God has also shown me the power of receiving hospitality but I'll save that story for another day!

Six on Sunday

As I sit here listening to the sound of little J snoring over the baby monitor, I'm enjoying a rare moment of peace and chance to reflect on things that have inspired me or made me smile this week. In honour of my friend Lizzie's 5 on Friday, here's my 6 on Sunday:

1. We've just started getting into Geocaching. Armed with a hand-held GPS and a bunch of clues we went off in search of hidden treasure. It made our trip to the local park more exciting and it was great finding things we must have walked past many times without realising.

2. We've finally started doing family Bible time and it's going pretty well. We've been using some great material written by a friend of ours that you can get free online here (or even better buy a copy and support our dear friend, Glen). It's short enough to fit in before I rush off to work but it's meatier than most and very Christ focused.

3. Thanks to my new chores rota, I've actually found a better balance in life and had chance to sit and read articles and play on pinterest. I just found this great article that beautifully describes what it's like to be a stay at home parent, as well as giving tips on how to make more meaningful connections with our loved ones.

4. Even on the rainy days we've tried to get little J out of the house. Earlier this week we only made it as far as the cafe at the end of the street but what a great place! Comfy sofas, long communal tables that force us to be un-British and talk to strangers and the cheapest pot of Earl Grey in town. Add to that daily specials, friendly service, books/newspapers to read and cute little touches like jars of sugar cubes with mini tongs and you've got a winner of a place to while away a rainy afternoon.

5. There are many things I hope to teach my son and values I hope to instil. One is the importance of helping others. I'd really love to get our family involved in volunteering and doing regular mission trips abroad (any suggestions?). I just got an email about one of Save the Children's latest campaigns. Could you spare some time to read to a child who is struggling in school?

6. And finally, if you're struggling for ideas of what to do at home with the kids, pop on over to Nurture store and sign up for their free weekly emails packed with fun and educational ideas.

Where's the off switch?!

We were doing so well and I was beginning to think we would be lucky enough not to reach the 'so tired you wanna cry' phase that everyone talks about. I was wrong.  Everything was going great, Josiah was feeding well, we'd learnt a few tricks to settle him and he coped very well with the disruption in his schedule when the grandparents came to visit.  Then the other day he decided to feed for 6 hours straight and the last few nights he's struggled to settle.  I am sooooo tired and long for some time to myself.  Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with Josiah and playing together and showing him new things and new places. But there are times I feel like across between a dairy cow and a human pacifier.  If only there were a way to detach my boobs and let him get on with it!

I was thinking the other day how weird breast feeding must be from a guys point of view. You marry a girl, you pledge to give your bodies solely to one another and you enjoy the intimacy of that. Then this kid comes along and suddenly not only do you no longer get sole access to your wifes boobs but you actually barely get near them cos the kid seems permanently attached.  Add to that the fact that those boobs that were once for your eyes only get whipped out anytime, any place, infront of anyone.  It must be a lot for a guy to get used to.  I'd be interested to hear comments from guys about their experience.

Surrounded by your glory..what will my heart feel?

I had a great phone conversation last night catching up with the lovely Gaby Barrera. I love talking to her cos she's one of those people who asks me the questions that matter - like "what are you learning?" and "how has your marriage grown in the last year?" and "how has your relationship with God grown since you got married?"

After our conversation I sat and thought more over her questions and begun to realise that honestly my relationship with God is not as healthy as it should be. It's easy to make excuses as to why I struggle to find time to get alone with God but if I wanted it that bad I would make the time.

I then got to thinking about the fact that really the most important relationship in life is our relationship with Jesus because it's the one relationship that will out last all others. One day I will meet Jesus face to face. What will that be like? That will depend a lot on what my relationship with Jesus is like in this life. Would it be like one of those awkward times when you bump into an old friend you haven't seen for a while? Or would it be like being reunited with your best friend? Or would it be like meeting someone for the first time after hearing a lot about them from others? Or maybe for some people it wouldn't be a big deal at all cos they spend so much time hanging out with Jesus in this life that it would just seem like normal.

How about you? If you met Jesus face to face right now how would you feel?

And how much time are you investing in growing your relationship with Jesus? Think about how a young couple prepare to spend the rest of their lives together. They spend time hanging out together, talking together, on the phone to each other loads, spending loads of time together - all to get to know each other better and lay a good foundation for the relationship that will last the rest of their lives. How much more effort should we put into growing our relationship with Jesus ready for when we get to spend the rest of Eternity with Him in Heaven?!!

So, are you spending time with Jesus? Are you reading stuff that helps you to know Jesus more? Are you spending time with people that help you grow closer to Jesus? What have you done today to grow your relationship with Him?

“If I hurt you, it's not what I wanted” - troy

The saying goes 'Love hurts'. I'm starting to realise how true that is. With love comes pain. It's just how it goes. As soon as I open myself up to care about a friend, relative, partner, whoever, I am opening myself up to pain and disappointment. It may just be a small thing like the disappointment of someone not being there for your show or a friend not calling when they said they would. Or maybe you’ve been unfortunate enough to experience the deeper hurt of betrayal by a friend, a parent leaving you, a partner cheating on you.

I recently experienced a couple of painful incidents - thankfully none of those major ones but it still hurt none the less. One incident was painful because someone upset me. And the other was painful because I upset someone else without meaning to and felt awful that I had caused them pain. At first the pain made me want to withdraw. I figured the easiest way to deal with it would be to just cut that person out of my life so they can't hurt me and I won't ever have to feel the pain of knowing I've upset them again.

But as I was ranting to God about my feelings and telling Him my master plan of how I would avoid future heartache, He made me realise something.The only way to avoid being hurt by people is to avoid people! All people! Everyone. If I cut myself off from every person who ever hurt me or let me down soon there would be no-one left in my life!! We are all imperfect. We try our best to love each other but we get it wrong. The Bible says ‘God is love – who ever lives in love lives in God and God lives in him’. The flip side of that is that when we are disconnected from God, we are disconnected from love – we love in a less than perfect way. And so we hurt each other without meaning to.

To those of you who are close to me, who dare to love me, here are 2 things that are certain in this life that I want to warn you of....
1) You will hurt me
2) I will hurt you

I suck at loving. If effort counted I’d score pretty good but somehow, no matter how hard I try, I get it wrong. I appear to have been born with my foot in my mouth and I appear to have transmission problems when it comes to love. What do I mean when I say that? I mean that when I try to transmit love through my words or actions, somehow it often seems to be received much differently than I intended it. Often what I meant as a blessing is received as a curse!! Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel like the world would be a safer place for others if you had the words ‘I will hurt you’ tattooed on your forehead? Because then people would have different expectations of you. Then they wouldn’t be so surprised when you forget to call or say something stupid and so maybe it wouldn’t hurt them (or at least hurt less). Perhaps then they wouldn’t expect you to just know how to love them right and never make mistakes.

Why do we have such high expectations of each other? I mean, we’re all different. Love isn’t a one size fits all kinda thing. We each require our own special brand of love – some like hugs, some don’t, some need loving words, others need gifts and others couldn’t care less about that stuff as long as you give them your time. For some reason we expect each other to be mind readers and to just know that we need a hug right now or will get offended if you don’t text back. And then we get hurt when it turns out that our friend or partner or parent doesn’t fulfil our unspoken needs!!! It’s utter madness.

Anyway, I digress, back to my poor ability to communicate the love I feel. I do love you but I don’t know how best to show that I love you. And so I make my best guess and often guess wrong. Or sometimes I do know how to show you love but I still manage to make a mess of it anyway. Either way, at times my words or actions cause you to think I don’t care when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. And then you feel pain and for that I’m very sorry.

Please help me to be better at loving you. I’m trying to master the art of telepathy but until I’ve got it down would you please tell me how you need to be loved. What do I need to do or not do, say or not say? And please have patience with me while I’m learning. I’m never gonna get it totally right but I promise to keep trying.

Enough about me...let’s talk about you...

You will hurt me. No matter how hard you try not to, it’s still gonna happen. One day you’ll make a flippant remark, or forget to call, or get drunk and make the biggest mistake of your life. And you won’t mean to hurt me – cos you love me and you’d never ever thinkingly cause me pain. But still, despite your best efforts, it’ll happen. Even if you stay away from me to try to avoid hurting me, you’ll still hurt me cos I’ll feel the pain of your absence and the hole you leave in my life by not being there. You will hurt me!!!

But I’m learning to be ok with that. I accept that it’s gonna happen some times. Not that I’m giving you permission to just hurt me willy nilly you understand!! But good friendships are worth fighting for right? Keeping my friendship with you is more important than preserving myself from ever feeling pain. And besides – God is able to heal even the deepest pain or the most broken of hearts. There is nothing you can do to me that He can’t put right. You can’t protect me from ever feeling pain – much as you want to. Instead, I ask that you’ll keep trying your best to love me and that you’ll trust God to look after me when it goes a little bit wrong.

Perhaps it’s not just me you’re trying to protect from pain. Perhaps you’re also trying to protect yourself from pain – the pain of knowing that your words or actions are the source of my tears. The pain of feeling helpless to be able to fix it. And the pain and guilt of the memory of the other tears you have caused in other lives in years gone by.

Just a small digression on the subject of pain....I’m learning that pain isn’t always a bad thing. I shouldn’t fear it or run from it. Pain isn’t nice but at least it makes me feel alive. And pain gets my attention. It often causes me to sit up and take note and rethink how I’m doing things. It helps to show me where I’m going wrong. Pain also makes me appreciate the good times all the more – it brings contrast. And the most beautiful thing about pain is the way it drives me closer to God and to the people around me. You can be sure that whenever I start to think I’ve got things all sorted and I don’t need anyone else that will be the time pain will come into my life. And I’ll cry out to God or fall into a friends arms sobbing uncontrollably (or both) and we’ll share precious, intimate moments together that we never would have done if it wasn’t for the pain. I wouldn’t miss those moments for anything!!!

And a word about love.....Love isn’t just a mushy feeling that comes and goes. Real love is an action and a choice. When I feel hurt I can choose to run away or I can choose to keep loving you despite the pain. God still acts with love towards me no matter what I do or how much I hurt Him or try to run away. He loves you like that too. And I want to learn to act with love towards you just like He acts with love towards you. So, I may feel hurt or angry towards you sometimes. I may really dislike you some days. But I will always still love you until the day I die....maybe even longer.

In order to keep loving, grace and forgiveness are required. If I can’t show you grace when you’re grumpy or forgive you when I’m hurting then there’s no hope for us. Grace and forgiveness make the world work. Without it we’ll be living in a world full of broken relationships and broken people. Wait....we do live in a world full of broken relationships and broken people. Looks like we need to learn to show more grace, need to learn the art of forgiving.

So, I’ll do you a deal. I’ll show you grace and forgive you when you hurt me. But please will you show me grace when I mess up too? Will you keep forgiving me for the sake of our friendship? Please don’t give up on us. I really hope that you think our friendship is worth fighting for.

I love you

Pearls of wisdom from Pearl Jam

I was listening to an old pearl jam album the other day and as I flicked through the album sleeve I found some interesting stuff...

“Whom to marry or not to marry
One of the greatest causes of unhappiness, nay, misery, in the world, is the steady adherence to the superstition that 2 young people who feel, when in each others company, the sexual excitement that is so often mistaken for love, must marry. It is folly for which thousands upon thousands are constantly paying a most fearful price. Love! Why, love means self sacrifice. It means wisdom….

Nature has decreed that certain dispositions will antagonize certain other dispositions. Marriage is often so hasty that these faulty dispositions are not discovered until after marriage, when it’s too late to retreat!
1. Two people of similar complexion and temperament should never marry.
2. Two tall slim people or two short, heavy-set people should not marry.
3. A nervous fidgety person should never marry another nervous person.
4. A man should never marry a woman who is given to finding fault, or who is peevish and cranky, or who scolds her little brothers and sisters.
5. A woman should never marry a man who is naturally inclined to be arrogant and cruel or who is inordinately selfish.
Don’t marry a girl whose chief aim in life is dress; to dress extravagantly is a blot upon any woman’s character. When the activity of the mind is taken up with finery the soul grows pinched and lean, the mind fails to develop, and such a woman cannot make a decent partner for any sensible man.So, too, should no girl think of accepting any young man for a lover who is addicted to the use of liquor, or who spends money in speculation or in fast living. Shun such as you would an idiot or a fool.”

I think we would all agree this is wise advice not just in selecting who to marry but in choosing who to go out with too. I now realise where I've been going wrong haha!!

No, but seriously, there's some good advice here. I like where it says 'love means self sacrifice'. So often we get into a relationship because of what we can get out of it. But relationships should be about giving. Instead of looking for the 'perfect guy' who's gonna give me all I want, I should be focusing on what I can give to a relationship. I'm starting to see that being in a relationship is a calling. How cool to think that God could use me to help a guy grow, to encourgage him and to help him become all that God intends for him to be.

Hiding

Can’t believe another year is almost over! Where does the time go? Old people often talk about time seeming to pass quicker the older you get – am I getting old?

Today I realised that though the year is almost over I barely know most of the team. I’m surrounded by an amazing bunch of people who I love dearly but who are still relative strangers to me. Why do I do that? Why do I wait so long to open up to people? There’s been times this year I’ve found real tough but I kept it all inside instead of leaning on these people that God has given me for support. Isn’t it funny how we all wear masks – trying to hide who we really are for fear of how others will respond. Fear of rejection is such a big barrier to building real strong friendships – it sucks!!! Often there’s a big gap between who we think we are and how other people see us. For instance, I’ve noticed recently that most people seem to think I’m not a very affectionate person. When it comes to handing out hugs I often get missed cos people think I’m just not like that. Truth is, I’m just scared to initiate affection but actually I love it.

Humans are funny old creatures. I sometimes feel like life’s a bit of a game of trying to figure each other out – a game which I suck at!! I’m sick of hiding and I’m sick of playing games. I wanna be real with people. I want to show them who I really am, warts and all, so I can have real friendships! So, how do I change? Father God, please lift me out of this rut I appear to be stuck in!